Let go.

I went on my first church visit this evening to St Toms at Philadelphia (visit www.sheffieldchurches.blogspot.com for more about the church visits) there were 4 of us that went and for me it was a really great experience. It wasn't something completely new for me as it was very similar to a church I use to attend, and reminded me very much so of the great times I have had at Spring Harvest when I was younger, an annual Christian conference which I attended every year as a child. The music was loud and everyone was so excited and enthusiastic about meeting their God, the sermon was a bit vague but the general idea about baptism was pretty sound, and witnessing 4 people get baptised was really exciting.

The church visit itself isn't really what I want to talk about though. Being there, like I said reminded me of previous 'church' experiences when I was younger and the type of thing that I use to absolutely love just 3 or 4 years ago. I was so up for dancing in the aisles, laying face down before my God and just completely physically humbling myself during the worship. I don't remember exactly how or when it happened, but I realised I'm not the same person I was 3 or 4 years ago. Part of my wants to say that I've just grown up, which I guess to an extent would be true, but in all honesty I think the faith and relationship I had with God back then is a very different one to the one I have now.

My relationship with God is now so much more intellectual than it was before, which is great, but as a result of this I've lost a lot of the emotional side of the relationship I once had. Being able to relate to God in an intellectual way is brilliant: reading his word, studying it, meditating on it, and really unpacking what every verse is speaking into my life is such a great thing to do, which I really enjoy doing and wish I had more time and motivation to do more! But in the past 3 or 4 years I've started to become almost like a Pharisee! Not in the way that I think the law is the way to get to Jesus, or that I'm ok by myself or that I don't need God's grace; I know that the law shows me how much I do need Jesus and that its only because of God's grace I can write this blog! But I think I've become too distracted in the intellectual side of things, wanting to understand God and know him better, and just increase my head knowledge, whilst neglecting my heart.

I'm so grateful that God brought me to St Tom's tonight because its really opened my eyes to this problem. Its so easy for us to get caught up too far in one side. About 3 or 4 years ago I stopped going to my previous church because I got too caught up in the emotional side of things. It wasn't anything to do with the church itself, but simply that I began to feel that my relationship with God wasn't real unless I felt it. If I finished a worship session and hadn't cried or really felt something then I just felt empty, so I know the danger of going too far that way as well. But right now I think that I just need to let go.

A few months ago, I went to a prayer room in the city centre, and I basically just cried the whole time I was there. I wasn't completely sure why, but I think it was partly that I just felt like I'd shut myself away from God who just wanted to be with me. He is our Teacher and Counsellor, but He's also our Father and Friend. Sometimes He just wants to be with us! At the end of the time I spent at the prayer room the people that were there prayed for me, there was no more than 10 people there and we were going round praying for each person individually, and they also asked God if there were words that he wanted to give me. I had a picture in my mind of a waterfall, of a peaceful, safe place where I could just be with God. There were a few different things said to me by the people saying there, one of them was that God just wants to be with me and another was a picture of a waterfall in a private peaceful place where I could meet with God personally.

Basically I think that sometimes I just get too caught up in wanting to know more, and even just wanting to tick God's boxes. But thats not what he wants. He wants a relationship with me. He, the trinity, is a relational God, he doesn't just want me to merely know who he is and what he has done, he wants a relationship. I think sometimes we just need to let go.